The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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