I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
