If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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