someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize