it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
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