Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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