I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
