i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
