I wish I could teleport
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
