well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
