I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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