you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
