i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
