Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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