Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
