just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
