my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Randomize
