Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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