I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
