I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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