Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
