i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
