Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Found the puke drawer
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
