I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
