this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
