Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
