my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
