Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
