grandma shit on top of the toilet
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
