My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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