I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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