hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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