So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
