She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
