im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
