mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
