I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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