do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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