You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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