just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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