It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
