Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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