theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
