My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
