i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
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