I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
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