The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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