I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
