my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
A bitchslap is in order.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
