my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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