this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
