you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize