Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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