I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Randomize