drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
